My new “thing” is to try and sleep. … I don’t really fall asleep very early at night when I’m not working or going to school. So I’ve been trying to go to bed at around 12:30 or 1:00 am. If I can’t sleep, I’m not allowed to get out of bed - I can read, or write… but I can’t go on my computer, play guitar hero, watch tv or watch movies. So this is what I ended up writing last night:
It’s 2:23 am. I can’t sleep, I am awake mostly because of my screwy sleeping habits but partially because I can’t stop thinking. Three days ago my problems meant so little to me, now I can’t stop swelling over being unemployed with so much debt and not being in school. I can’t stop thinking about the series of events that lead me to this point, and how those events will effect my future. Yet three days ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about any of these things and would have fallen asleep just fine. What happened?
I attribute it to what I read.
Before last night I was reading A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah. The book chronicles the life of a boy soldier. It tells the tale of his horrifying adventure of losing his home, family and childhood. Reading it put so much into perspective. After reading it I mad a list of the top 10 things that mean the most to me in my life. I couldn’t live without any of these things, and he had lost all of them (or never had it.)
Now I am reading a Chuck Klosterman book. Those who know him, know he write mainly about culture. He is by far the most talented writer I have ever read. His writing is so entertaining, and his ideas are so unique yet speak to the entire culture at large. He finds a way to say everything we wish we would have said first or thought we already had said but realize that we had never actually said it - just thought it without it ever really being a tangible thought…
His writing is also incredibly trivial. It offers no in depth look at what life is, or could be - only what the privileged west sees. Britney as a sex con, he sims as a reality scape goat and U2 as fake, or not. None of it matters and none of it is life altering. So when I go to bed I don’t think about it, and all of the sudden my life seems tragic again.
I’m not a rich sex icon, a millionaire, making huge political statements for the world to see, or even remotely famous. I don’t live their glamorous life, and don’t want to think about their glamorous lives that are so disconnected from the real world, struggle and strife. I end up comparing my life to theirs, forget my top 10 things, and think my life is a crap hole.
So what to do? I love those cultural books, and Klosterman’s writing style. He is my favorite author, but he doesn’t write the sort of meaningful and grounding non-fiction that I need to keep myself selfless (yet selfishly) motivated. After reading Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs I didn’t want to run to Africa to save lives, save the environment, fight for women’s rights or lobby against capitalistic whores. But I felt light, and happy… knowing I had just read some really creative and unique stuff.
I guess the easy solution is - Read Klosterman at noon, and read books about Africa before bed.
