My grandma’s memorial was on Saturday, it was in a church - because that’s where she wanted it. It was the first time I had been in a church in a long while. My brother and I kept shooting one another glances when we’d have to pray or something.

It was really hard to respect my grandmother’s wishes without exploding about sitting inside of an almost cultish setting ["now lets drink the kool-aid" my brother said to me at one point].  My step-dad spoke at one point and it was quite nice because he talked a lot about personal experience type stuff. But later on the minister of the church that we were at started to speak.

It was so horrible. I wish I had a copy of what he said.It’s not a good start to something whe you begin a new thought at a funeral with the words “I don’t want to be disrespectful…but…” … and then go on about “yeah, she’s dead, but the church will be okay!” Please, that’s totally not what I wanted to hear at my grandma’s funeral.

It was shitty to be so disconnected from what was going on. The only times when I actually felt like I could relate to what was going on was when my little cousin did a little talk, and when my step dad was telling stories about how we all viewed her. “special k”

Going into church again definitely gave me a huge reminder about why I walked out of the church life. People kept saying to me “She’s in a better place now”… my brother and I had to grind our teeth a little because as far as we’re concerned when you’re dead, you’re dead. The off switch has been flicked. But you can’t be that rude and abrupt with people who have just lost someone so dear to them. I feel so bad when I say to my mom “you didn’t just talk to dad, because dad is dead”. She believes that he’s really communicating with her. I will admit that I did know my grandma died before my mom even told me. I said to a girl beside me “I’m pretty sure my grandma just died” and literally 10 minutes later my mom called to let me know that it had happened. Granted I knew she was sick, but I had just finished a 10 hour shift and hadn’t been updated on her status in a while. …Just a tid bit.

I don’t know how to tell people what I believe when they’re in such a …sad state. Because the biggest way they’re coping is by thinking that she’s in a “better” place. I did buck up enough to say “no, i actually didn’t think it was a nice service” when people asked me if I had enjoyed it as much as they did. Because I really didn’t think it was a nice service. My brother and I promised that who ever dies first - the other will take care of their funeral arrangements, and then leave a note before we die that we want the other’s to be handled in exactly the same way.

Then, to top it all off, we paid the minister $150. SHITTY.

Soooo, things that have made me sad in the past few days:

Marcus Ranum said: (Saturday 07 June, 2008 (edit))

I don’t think anyone is necessarily calling theists ’stupid’.

I am. They are.

Next?

jerk.

worg said: (Saturday 07 June, 2008 (edit))

If you’re tolerant of religion you’re fucking dumb.

sigh.

Standing at my grandma’s grave letting the wind dry my tears so I looked strong.

Not being able to enjoy my grandma’s memorial because the religion kept annoying me.

Seriously though - the comments that I’ve gotten in the past few days have been too much for me to handle. I usually soak all this shit right up and fight right back, just as hard. But I’m pretty sure this is the first time commenters have made me cry! Ah hahaha. Fuck. I think it’s just the emotions of this week.

How do you manage to get through a religious funeral? What sort of respectful response is there to “she’s in a better place”?

It’s been a long week. My family is a lot of work… well, like the old people in my family. And it’s been pretty emotionally tiring. So tonight I decided to take a break from all the crying and bickering and short tempters and dogs that bark and jump all over sad and tired people… and came to Windsor to stay with my aunt Mel (the one I look like). She has two little boys AJ and Will that I really wanted to see.

They are seriously the cutest things ever. (Maybe second to EllaBella… but not likely. They’re all on the same level with their own little things about them.) So it’s been a great night away watching the boys play, hanging out with Aunt Mel and Dwain and just relaxing. They’ve brainwashed little Will so much, he can tell you what hockey teams they don’t support, who is the best hockey and baseball team (Leafs and Tigers) and apparently - what the leafs do when they don’t make the playoffs. It’s too adorable.

EllaBella can’t say cute things like that yet. But I can buy her pretty clothes, so she makes up for it in that respect.

Anyway - I think the one thing I really loved about hanging out with Will is just his down right inquisitive nature. He asks questions about *everything* “Why?” he gets an answer “why?” again. Why why why. I wish we just kept asking questions like that for the rest of our lives. I think if we all thought like kids do, we’d get ourselves trapped into far fewer corners, and wouldn’t fall into so many scams, religions, corners and etc.

I remember sitting around the table with my parents friends one night and this same sort of topic came up. When do we stop asking why? And why do we stop asking? Do we get preoccupied with something else? or do we just stop wondering?

I think if there was one thing I would continuously teach other people - it would be to question. Does it make sense that that random woman can see into YOUR future or did she say something generic? Does it make sense that there is some omnipotent thing that no one can proove existance of? Where is you’re money ACTUALLY going when you donate it? … Just ask questions, and be skeptical about things.

Why why why. Why are my little cousins all so darned cute? I should have brought my camera this weekend. <3

Tomorrow is the memorial. It promises to be a long day.

I really wanted to respond to a lot of the negative (and positive!) feedback I’ve been getting about my previous posts on atheists over at Friendly Atheist…(Sorry - I can’t do a link as I’m on my phone… )…however, my mom called me this morning to let me know that my Grandma died late last night. So instead of sitting at a computer telling people to calm down and realize that:

A) I spend a TON my time with atheist activists as I work for 4 different atheist groups…
B) I was being very tongue in cheek
C) I don’t particularly like being called demeaning pet names
D) My friends really do talk about this stuff in bars, and I’m in my early 20’s

…I’ll be busy with other things

Anyway, I’ll do some quoting of their (surprisingly) angry comments later (which I believe strengthens a lot of my ideas…) But for now I’m in a car going to a small town called Glencoe to be with my family.

I’ll be there until Sunday, but will have internet access and will hopefully be online tonight to write about a few more things. Big *high five* to Tyler for his first post (the one on paranormal) - so far its much more tolerable than what Pharrell was writing, and interesting. So thanks Ty for that, I look forward to more of your stuff in the future.

I know a lot of people who I’ve been friends with for a long time read this site - many of whom probably met my grandma (grandma kaye, not glenda) so you’ll all be ‘happy’ to know she slipped away very calmly and in peace. And everyone’s first question is “how’s your mom?” - she’s fine (as fine as she can be) and she’s got three kids to hold her up when she’s ready to stop being so goddamn strong.

I’ll be around later, just later than I wanted to be. (I’ve been pining to write replies since like 1 am this morning!)

I just want to finish with a couple things I’d want everyone in the world to know - my grandma was phenomenal. She had cancer like 7 years ago, and even durong her chemo she was still delivering meals on wheels to people younger than herself. When I went to see her in the hospital last week she told me she had been doing exercises earlier that day. Her garden was always in top shape, and she never stepped down from what she believed in. That woman faught harder for her life than anyone I’ve ever know. She was by far the strongest person I had ever met in my life, and if even just one ounce of her strength and courage has been passed down to me I’ll have more than enough to make it far in my life too.

I won’t get too sappy. Have a good day everyone.

Thanks to Will - my main man in 9/11 conspiracies, for all the links and information. It would have taken me forever without him to find decent material.

Instead of simply regurgitating everything I’ve read (and I will admit - I didn’t know *why* I thought 9/11 wasn’t an inside job when I so proudly declared so at Easter dinner, so I have been reading quite a bit) I will link to the best of the best:

This one is probably the best from eSkeptic: 9/11 Conspiracy Theory

If you’re too lazy to read, and just want to listen - go here.

This one was the one that I read first - it’s really good if you just want a quick q and a. It covers all the common claims like the towers not falling over how they were supposed to (the one my mom and brother brought up at dinner.)

And another from popular mechanics. …Once you read these, or listen to these sites… it’s incredibly hard to believe that 9/11 was an inside job. I’m cynical, but I’m not paranoid.

Hello Copter! Happy 23nd Andy Pandy.

It’s my older brother’s 23nd birthday! And just for him… I have a song. Sorry it doesn’t sound so good… and that I’m not in Toronto with you today!