What is the hegemonic definition of a
‘man’? What constitutes a guy to be considered cool and actually manly? Being
tough is probably the most common response for this, especially in high school
situations. The tough guys such as the football, hockey and rugby players get
the most respect. It isn’t socially acceptable to show any other
characteristics that aren’t ‘manly’; these men are all Wizards of Oz, a tiny
vulnerable man behind a big scary voice, they’re wearing a mask.

This mask has some dangerous consequences
such as: breeding a physical and emotional abuser, sexual degradation,
normalization of misogyny and homophobia and a backlash to what feminism has
been working towards, because the man’s power is threatened. This mask also
perpetuates racial stereotypes while limiting personal growth of the males
involved and repressing internal desires. And, to make matters worse, if you
don’t wear this mask, you’re weak, a fag, a wuss, a sissy, a queer, a pussy or
a bitch.

All the violence that we see today in young boys isn’t a deviation;
it is a forceful ideal to masculinity. It is learned from patriarchal families,
communities and the pervasive media. Racial stereotypes are pushed in the media
heavily, Latinos are either boxers or gangsters, Asians are kung fu fighters
and African Americans are thugs. This enforced violence has led to some scary
numbers. A quarter of men will use violence against a partner, 95% of domestic
violence, dating violence and child sexual abuse is by men and 81% of these men
were abused in their own homes as a child. Even 76% of violence against males
is done by males.

As time progresses it’s only getting worse.
The size of media men keep getting bigger and bigger. Batman as Adam West wasn’t
nearly as defined and huge as when Batman was George Clooney or Val Kilmer. As
time progresses the guns get bigger too. Humphrey Bogart’s gun was simply an
accessory to the man where as Rambo and the Terminator are men as an accessory
to the guns and muscles.

Men of color are getting pressured more and
more to act bigger and tougher. Natives need to look mean to get respect, and
African American’s need to play up that thug role because they have no
expectation of a good career, or no good place in society – society has denied
them of this. However the street style of the thug can’t be taken away from
them, neither can their hyper violent, urban reputation.

Then you get suburban middle class white
kids ‘acting black’ since they are living in a culture that says the tougher
the better – and no one is tougher than the thugs with guns. This is a horribly
narrow and destructive up bringing. The American high school shootings that we’ve
seen throughout the past few years have been played out by the kids who couldn’t
fit into this ‘tough’ role. Pearly Mississippi, Red Lake Minnesota, Springfield
Oregon…Columbine, “The Trench Coat Mafia”… all these words/places connect to
school shootings that were carried out by ‘loners’ or boys who just couldn’t
fit in and be the tough, big or cool guy. These killers attempted social
integration and failed. The next easiest way to gain respect and to adjust
their social standing from being the wuss, pussy, loser or freak was to become
the master of violence and the killer for the toughest guy in the world can
become scared at gun point. They weren’t big strong and muscular, but guns had
that ability and they got that grotesque respect.

These boys were taking revenge and
asserting a sense of manhood. One of them is even quoted as saying:

“I kill people because people like me are
murdered everyday. Murder isn’t weak, it is gutsy and daring.”

But what actually gets the blame for this? Marilyn
Manson, goth music and video games instead of society as a whole pressing hegemonic
ideals of masculinity onto these boys.

Blaming video games, rock stars and all
that is much to narrow an analysis – they play a roll, but within the giant
cultural roll. The culture says that violence is a natural part of being a man.
More often I see young boys getting into paintball, laser tag and hunting…
having a gun means having power, and power is what they’re told they want. Even
our sporting culture has been run amuck with violence. Hockey used to have very
little fighting, but now a game is considered exciting if there are a few good
brawls and some blood splattered onto the ice.

Being a ‘real man’ means being controlling
and intimidating, this is how you gain respect, by taking the respect of
another. Wrestling is a classic case of this. I couldn’t care less if the
entire thing is theatrical, it is a celebration of dominance and violence that
teaches boys/men to be big, bad and that real manhood is connected to size,
strength and muscles.

Sexualized violence is another thing that
has become way to common in our culture. The classic slasher film sexualized
violence thus making it appealing to the viewer. A woman is taking a shower,
wearing a little dress and removing clothing which sexually arouses the
straight male audience and then the women is assaulted. While the amount of
crime decreases in our society the rape rates and sexual assault rates stay the
same. There is normalization of sexual violence in pornography as well, which
plays a huge role in male culture considering the porn industry is predominantly
controlled by men and consumed by men.

We also have men like Howard Stern who we
say is transgressive and a rebel to ‘the man’. When really he is overly
sexually abusive to women. He tells his women guests to take their bras off and
ties them up. He is anything by transgressive, he is assuring the hegemony and society
enjoys it because it is an explicit support of masculinity, but it’s hidden. So
we can lie to ourselves and say it’s actually okay to watch Stern. Stern also identified
with the Columbine killers by saying:

“there were some really great looking girls
running out of that building. Did they even have sex with them? If they were
going to kill them and themselves they should have had sex. I’d have killed
them with sex”.

He is making a joke about rape and sexual
violence… yet this is the man that we call transgressive.

The real challenge is how to change this.
How do you convince an entire culture to flip an entire ideal? Instead of thinking
they have to ‘suck it up’ and ‘act like a man’ when a boy is emotionally
vulnerable how do we make him believe that being emotional and showing their
feelings is okay? I know our culture has opened up and we’re becoming more
diverse and more accepting but it would be naïve to think that things are just
going to keep getting better on their own without social interventions. There are still men hitting women because they’re
fearful that they’re gaining control. There are still gay men getting abused
because they’re not ‘real men’.

We have some great political leaders to
look to – Ghandi, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King. These are three men
who were not afraid to respond with peace and reconciliation instead of the
easy and dimwitted path of violence. There are plenty of people in the music
industry making a stand. The Beastie Boys have made plenty of public speeches
about trying to get people to understand the importance of valuing emotions. John
Lennon, Bono, David Bowie, Marvin Gaye, Al Greene, The Temptations, Q-Tip, K’Naan,
Bad Religion, Kurt Cobain, Pearl Jam and Garth Brookes are all incredibly
popular men that embrace that soft and sensitive side of being a man, or being
a person.

There need to be personal and institutional
changes; this also goes for the women in our culture. A huge part of being a teenage
male is knowing that you’re not going to be alone, and knowing that you’re
sexually appealing to who you want to be sexually appealing to. So women have
an obligation to not validate the stereotypical masculine mask. (By now you’d
think that guys would have caught on as to why we are all friends with gay
men!! They’re sensitive! And aren’t afraid to go shopping because it’s fun!!)

We need to take the focus off the
pathological male, and put it on the normal average male. Change this silly
idea of what a man is to reduce violence and sexual abuse. Violence isn’t
simply kids imitating video games, it is the kids living in a culture where
violence is the norm, and is encouraged.